The conference, by the way, was insanely good for me. It reaffirmed why I got into youth ministry in the first place, and why I can’t just “get out” of it – ever, really. I just have this passion that won’t go away, and I have a feeling that’s for a reason. I must confess that I’m in a strange place in life right now, though, where I feel torn between being a mom and wanting to be more involved in ministry. Mom is where I am and should be, but sometimes it’s hard not to go deeper with the other.
Alright, so enough babbling already. I believe the topic I was going to catch you up on was my shoes. My wrong shoes, as the case may be. Let me explain:
A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about getting married again and being at the ceremony. I assumed that I was remarrying Shane for some reason (he was in the dream, after all), but it turns out that I was wrong about that. Anyway, I was the bride in the wedding, but instead of being in my dress and ready to walk down the isle I was standing with the congregation singing praise songs wearing jeans and a tee shirt. At some point I turned to my mom and said that I should probably be getting ready since I was scheduled to walk down the isle any minute, and then I went to find my dress.
My dress was the same one I wore in real life when I got married, and it was just casually thrown over a table. Under it was the real shoe box my wedding shoes are still stored in. When I opened the box, however, the shoes inside were black strappy heels instead of the ones that went with my dress. I didn’t panic, I simply turned to my mother and said that they were the wrong shoes. I can’t wear heels (bad knees), and I certainly couldn’t wear black on my wedding day. Her solution was to go barefoot. I agreed, and about that time was when I woke up.
I kind of laughed about the dream and told it to Shane, but I didn’t think much of it after that. Then I was sitting in Bible study (Beth Moore’s Daniel study…it’s amazing), and Beth (I like to pretend we’re on a first name basis…it makes me feel special) said something that ripped right through me taking everything it could with it. “This is the time when the bride is supposed to be getting ready for the groom,” she said. All of a sudden it occurred to me that my dream wasn’t about Shane or any other man. In that dream I was marrying my Holy Husband, and I wasn’t even close to being ready.
I spent some time praying about it after the study and felt Him saying to me, You’re not getting ready for Me… I searched for clues in the dream and asked for wisdom to understand what I was being told when I remembered the shoes. I had just taught the youth about the shoes of peace in the armor of God the week before. Then it began to make sense! I have on the wrong shoes! I’m somehow missing my peace!
It made sense, but then again it didn’t. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t peaceful, so what did it mean? I didn’t really get a chance to think about it again until the solitude retreat, and I was thankful for the space to talk to the Lord about it.
At first I argued with Him. What do you mean I don’t have peace? I feel very peaceful, thank You very much! But, you know what? Arguing with the God of the universe usually doesn’t get you very far. Before long He was bringing things to my mind that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. It was like He was saying, Oh yeah? Well, what about this? Or that? Or her? Or these guys? Still feel peaceful? I didn’t think so…
He was right. Of course He was right. I had become so comfortable with my lack of peace that I was mistaking it for peace itself. I wasn’t peaceful in my heart about any of those things. And then He gave me the greatest gift ever: freedom.
One by one He brought those things back to my mind. As they would enter my thoughts and my heart would quicken, He’d simply say, I AM.
My kids? I AM.
Money? I AM.
My fear of being abandoned yet again by people I care about? I AM.
All of it was answered with the same two words: I AM.
All at once I realized that in those two words I am completely, unashamedly, 100% free. It was like He was placing His cupped hand over my life and saying that it all belonged to Him. He is bigger than anything and everything in my heart. He can take care of anything that comes my way. I don’t have to fear or worry or be consumed by anxiety because He is the great I AM. It covers all of it! I’m free to just be! Oh what a gift! New shoes! Peace that I can stand on and even walk down the isle in! Praise be to I AM!
I can’t tell you what an intimate, safe feeling it was to sit with Jesus and hear Him invite me into this place of freedom, and then to express my fears and then not be afraid of them anymore. It was truly like sharing my heart with the safest husband and friend ever. I think it was the first time I ever realized that I really have two husbands – Jesus, and the gift of Shane that He chose to share with me physically on this earth. It was really a blessed feeling!
As I sat there feeling the warmth and comfort of my new shoes, I felt Him saying something once more. I AM, and that’s truly enough. Now that you’re safe in that, there’s something I’d like to bring up. Let’s talk about the temple…
But that’s a story for another post.
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