Words from the Silence Part 4 (last one!): Just "Checking"

The rest of my time at the retreat teetered between more incredibly random (and not-so-spiritual) thoughts and, honestly, tired, dutiful prayer. With nothing else to do I tried to go to bed at 8:30, but couldn’t sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I’d sleep for a bit and then get up and sit in the stinky chair to pray. Every time I think I’d run out of things or people to pray for I’d think of a new list and roll out of bed. I wish I could say it was a sweet time, but I’m not what you would consider a “prayer warrior”. It can be hard for me to stay focused and pray sometimes, but I’m glad I stuck with it.

At some point during my time on the retreat I found myself sitting at the desk in my room and looking at the pattern printed on the laminate covered particle board. It made me chuckle to think of the effort someone put into creating mock imperfections so the finished product would look more realistic and “natural”. It amazes me that the furniture business finds worm holes and grain imperfections in wood desirable. I personally don’t want to know that my bed was once gnawed on by varmints, but people like to know that the wood they are buying is authentic, and I guess worms don’t eat fake wood.

Sitting at that desk I remembered going to a log furniture store with my husband recently. We were just killing some time, but the lady there felt obliged to teach us everything we could possibly ever want to know about making furniture out of white cedar. I asked her about the cracks you always see in log-style furniture that makes it look rustic, yet a little unstable. She then, very happily I might add, told me about “checking”.

Checking, she said, is the natural process by which the wood expels moisture. This is good because if wood doesn’t expel moisture, it will rot. So you want your cedar furniture to check. You want it to be able to breathe through that sometimes very big-looking crack. “But doesn’t it make the furniture break?” I asked. “In 18 years of making furniture, I’ve only ever seen a piece of wood check past the core and break three times,” she answered.

In remembering her lesson I realized that through times like this solitude, my Father “checks” me. He breaks open a little crack in my surface (sometimes a big crack), and lets out all the stuff that will make me rot if I keep it inside. Sometimes people may see those cracks and be offended by them. But if they know the truth of why they exist, they’ll come to appreciate them and see the character they bring out in me.
The truth is, people need to see our flaws to know that we are real. They need to see our wormholes and our moisture cracks, because they want to know that we’ll stand the test of time. Deep down inside, though, what they really want to know is that they are just as real and natural as we are. Seeing our cracks and understanding them helps them accept their own.

So that’s why I’m sharing with you some of the “check marks” the Lord made in me over my time of solitude. It really was a rich time that I’m truly grateful for. If you ever get the opportunity to go on a guided retreat like that or to steal away and make your own time of silence for a whole day, I’d encourage you to do it. Sometimes God needs us to stop talking so He can get a word in, you know?

Thanks for letting me share my heart and my “checks” with you. I’ll be back in a day or two with something new.