Words from the Silence Part 3: Irrational Fears

So after His revelation in my heart (which I talked about last post), I started asking myself why people who struggle with anorexia like to cook food for others that they would never eat themselves. Their struggles are never really about food, after all, but something deeper in their hearts. I realized that they try to reason this way: “Well, they aren’t fat like me, therefore it isn’t dangerous for them to eat this food. If I eat it I’ll only get fatter.” But what did that look like in my spiritual anorexia?

I thought about it for a while and realized that my thinking was, “Well, they’re not unlovable like me. It’s dangerous for me to accept these truths about God because if He rejects me then I’ll know for sure that His love doesn’t apply to me.” What a disgusting and convoluted thought that must have been to our Lord. How could His love not apply to one of His own?

That got me thinking about irrational fear. It’s irrational to think you’re fat when you weigh 100 pounds as an average-height adult (not that I weigh that…I’m just saying…). It’s just as irrational to think that you are incapable of being loved by a loving God. I immediately realized how true this was, but I didn’t know what to do about it. How do you change that kind of thinking?

I began to pray about what to do with my irrational fears, and then it hit me. In the reality of knowing Jesus, aren’t all fears irrational? Doesn’t the Bible say that perfect love casts out fear? I knew then that the answer to my fear was to draw nearer to my Lord and to see Him for all He truly is. In the truth of His presence and His Word I will find all the assurance I need to dispel the fear that I am unlovable in His eyes.

I left that dining hall changed and free to eat from the spiritual meals I serve. His truths are just as much for me as they are for anyone else I talk to. Later that night we really did have Communion (with bread and wine…they skipped the meatloaf this time), and during that time I heard Him say, I loved you first. This whole relationship thing was His idea, not mine. I don’t have to chase Him and wonder if He’ll like me. He loved me before I ever even knew I loved Him.

It had been a beautiful day full of truth and reconciliation. But I still had about 16 hours of silence to go.