She Speaks...and She Doubts

Ok, as promised, here it is: the low-down on what happened for me this weekend at She Speaks. I hope somehow I can squeeze that whole experience into a post without writing a novella. We’ll see.

So the whole thing started off a little weird for me this year. Last year when I drove the five hours by myself, I was so excited to be going that the whole trip seemed to take about 30 minutes. This year, though, I was attacked with a severe case of the “what am I doing”s. I felt every minute of that 5 hours, wondering most of the time why in the world I was even going to the conference. I can’t really say why, but I just wasn’t feeling confident about being there.

Then things got weirder. I swear to you I heard a cat meowing in my van. The vehicle had been in the body shop the week before, and I just knew I had a rogue stowaway from the junkyard. I heard it three times before I turned the radio off and started calling for it. It was at this point - while I’m driving down the interstate going 70 mph and saying “here kitty, kitty, kitty…” - that I realized the sound I heard must have been on the Focus on the Family broadcast I had been listening to. Great. Now I was heading to a conference I wasn’t sure I had any business going to, and I was talking to animals that didn’t exist. Awesome.

As it turns out, though, the feelings I had during that eternal five hour trip would become a theme for my whole weekend. God had a thing or two to show me about just how much my life is shackled by doubt and fear. And I don’t think He’s done relating the message, even this as I type this.

The hits started coming from the moment of the first general session. As Lysa TerKeurst was speaking, I was convicted about just how disobedient I’ve been lately. Last year the Lord clearly spoke to me and set me on a journey of saying “yes” to His calling to speak and write. I did great with that for a while, and then we got to the part of the story where He had to ask me to die to something I had dreamed for my life, but that He didn’t have in the plans (just like Lysa herself had said would happen in her book “What Happens When Women Walk in Faith”).

I hadn’t realized it until Lysa was talking, but the very moment I heard “no”, I quit saying yes and started pouting. Sure, I finished up the things He had already asked me to do by that point, but then I put my fingers in my ears like a child and quit listening to further instructions. All because I didn’t like hearing no. All because hearing no about something I cared about so much made me doubt God’s good intentions for my life and His love for my heart. So there you have major conviction #1 for the weekend.

Things from that point on started to look up a little. My roommate was a perfect match (and to think I was worried), and the feedback I got from my speaker evaluation group was - to say the least - insanely encouraging. I definitely felt like I was being affirmed in my ability to be an affective speaker. Maybe I “belonged” at this conference after all. But apparently something was still lurking in my heart. Susanne, the member of the Proverbs 31 speaker team who evaluated me, certainly could see it.

Fast-forward to the general session Saturday night. Guess what Renee Swope talked about? Doubt (did you really think it would be anything else?). He said a lot of great things through her, and she ended our time by asking us to write down the doubts and lies in our hearts on a piece of paper that was slightly larger than a postcard. As she prayed, things started to surface in my heart. Ugly things. Things that hurt and made me cry as they grew like fat vines, wrapping around my heart and gouging me with their thorns. It felt like they were choking what little faith I had stored up in my soul.

I felt warned by those lies. It was as if they were saying, “We’ve been here for a really long time, and if you even try to get rid of us now, you’ll regret it.” The contents of my own heart were bullying me. I felt owned and trapped - encased by fear and doubt and helpless to really do anything about it. I wanted to leave and forget it all, but I stayed in that room and forced myself to cry out to God for help. Then I filled up just about every inch of space on that card with the lies I’ve been believing for the past 30 years.

As I wrote each lie, I knew I would hear Jesus telling me they weren’t true - if only my ears could pick out His voice over the snarling, hissing chants in my mind. But it was like I just couldn’t get a fix on the truth. I knew God didn’t believe those things about me, but I couldn’t help but realize that everything I can see in the world tells me all those lies are real. So I began asking God to help me see beyond my eyes.

I left that card at the altar (after some major spiritual wrestling), and picked up another one printed with a promise from His word that I am chosen and appointed. I wish I could say that all those vines magically disappeared at that point, but the hard truth is that they didn’t. They did wither quite a bit, but I’m still wrestling. I want so much to be free from those doubts and lies, and I believe that one day I will be. For now though, I’m just going to have to listen even harder for His voice.

His word to me this morning has become a new gripping point on this upward climb to rise above the junk I’ve been believing all this time: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). It may take some time and a few dislocated joints in my spirit as I wrestle free, but the Truth will be known in my heart. I can’t wait to feel the wind on my face as I run down His path unhindered by these fears! Blessed be that day!

Well, that’s the window into the things He began working on in my heart this weekend. Some of you who caught my teaser from yesterday are probably wondering what in the world that all has to do with yoga pants and ice. I figured since this has already been a little long-winded (the understatement of the year and definitely not how we were taught to blog this weekend), I would make you wait for the lighter side of She Speaks until the next post. See you then!