Can You Pass Me a Bigger Plate?

I just want to apologize to those of you who have been checking on my blog the past couple of weeks to find that I haven’t been writing much lately. It’s not that I’m giving up on bloging or anything, it’s just that I haven’t been able to get used to this whole new life we’re living lately!

I have to admit that the stuff of life is overwhelming me right now. We’ve started so many new things and have had to begin so many new routines that I don’t even have a clue what my days (much less my weeks) should even look like. And every time I think I’m starting to forge a plan, something else starts up and throws it all out of whack.

I thought that once Big Brother started Kindergarten and Little Man was in preschool that everything would very nicely fall into place. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I could be all domestic-y and get house things and shopping done, while Tuesdays and Thursdays would be writing days. Sounded good, didn’t it? But alas, it isn’t working.

For one thing, Little Man has recently developed an allergy to errands – it makes him breakout in a rash of evil and apparently causes him to lose his hearing. There doesn’t seem to be a thing I can say or do to make him behave in the store. Scratch grocery shopping from Monday and add it to Tuesday when he’s busy being a total angel for his teachers (I’m glad he’s good for them, but come on! Why is it that they are always these alien other children when you’re not around so that you think either you’re crazy or you’re the one that makes them so difficult?).

Add to that volunteering at the school, working for the church and trying to physically take care of my exhausting, aching body, and Tuesday fills up real quick without a word having been typed. I’m sure it will get better, but right now it feels like my plate is so full I won’t make it back to my seat without spilling it on the floor, and I wasn’t even aware that my life had saddled up to the buffet!

But in the midst of feeling completely consumed this morning, a verse jumped out at me. Mark 7:37 says, “People were overwhelmed with amazement. ‘He [Jesus] has done everything well,’ they said, ‘ He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.’”

I realized this morning that it’s been a while since I allowed myself some time to just be overwhelmed with amazement at Jesus, but I think that’s what I need the most right now. Not a new day-planner, not a life coach who could come in and make some sense of this chaos, not even Jo-Jo from Super Nanny to teach me how to shop on Mondays (although that would be nice…). What I need in all this craziness is to stop, take a deep breath of the Spirit of God, open my eyes and be amazed at Jesus.

Oh just to sit in His presence and be filled with Him! If I truly gave myself to it, I think I could do it all day without a thought about that other stuff! Mmmm…

Oops…there goes Thursday… ;-)

In Kindergarten? Really?

10 Things about Kindergarten I wasn’t prepared for:

1. When I got up this morning I could see a star in the sky

2. When I got up this morning the dishwasher was still warm from running the night before

3. When I was getting my boys out of bed, the school bus going to their school drove by (6:40 am!)

4. Their dress code actually includes the rule, “Cover all tattoos and piercings”

5. They eat lunch at 10:30 in the morning

6. They have homework every night

7. Only one working toilet in the boys’ bathroom actually has a door

8. None of the clocks in the hallway show the right time (unless it really is 4:30 am when we
get there)

9. Peer pressure is just as real at 5 as it is at 15

10. School can be just as fun for mom as it is for the kids!

Hip Service

I learned some pretty profound things at my chiropractor’s office this week. One, I learned that when a woman you just met 30 seconds ago asks you to take off all your clothes and then lie on a table and “relax” so she can come in and massage your messed-up hip (and the adjacent butt cheek), it’s much easier said than done. I kept thinking, RELAX? Really? I’m naked. And I can hear not-naked people talking just outside the door of this tiny little room. But you want me to “relax”. Yeah, I’ll get right on that…

The other thing I learned was that when one little part of you is out of line, the rest of your life can and will suffer.

It seems that I have a hip that doesn’t want to stay where it’s supposed to (how old am I anyway that I have hip problems?). It’s been this way for years and years – I know because I’ve felt the pain and (I now realize) have suffered the consequences. I knew something was a little weird with it, but I didn’t know just how much trouble it was causing.

You see, when my hip is out and my pelvis rotates with it, it causes problems that literally span from my head to my toes. The painful inflamed cartilage in my rib cage that keeps me from sleeping every couple of months or so? From my hip. My crazy neck that causes headaches? Somehow related to my hip. The blue toenails on my left foot (no, it’s not nail polish)? You guessed it – my hip. Even the numerous damaged right shoes in my closet – they’re all missing pieces of rubber on the heel because my left foot rotates inward and kicks them every time I step. It’s all about the hip.

Suddenly I’ve realized that I’m not exactly falling apart like I’ve thought for years. I just have one major problem that is causing a lot of other little ones. Fix the major problem, though, and the others will clear up with time. But the funny thing is that I never dreamed my weird hip was the source problem – I just chalked it up to another little quirky thing about my body.

It got me thinking today. Could our spiritual lives work in much the same way? If we could take an x-ray of our hearts, could we possibly find one little shift that is capable of producing a myriad of painful consequences in our lives? I think so. And I think that just like my hip it would be something that we might know is off, but not so much that we suspect it of affecting anything else.

Maybe a shift in our quiet times with the Lord? Or perhaps a slight bend in our heart toward jealousy? I’m almost certain it would be something we would realize could use a little work, but wouldn’t be high on our list of blaring things that need to change. The thing of it is, though, that maybe if we corrected that one little “minor” issue, all those other more obvious problems would begin to fade away.

I’m thankful that we have access to an amazing physician Who can take that spiritual x-ray for us: “O LORD, You have searched me and know my heart … see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139). If we ask Him, our Father will help us see where we need a spiritual adjustment, because He knows our hearts better than we ever will.

I’m just now beginning the uncomfortable, slow process of changing the way my hip has been behaving for at least the past two decades. It’s not exactly going to be what I’d call fun, but the reward on the other side – the freedom from other pains and issues I thought I’d always have – is well worth the journey. I can only imagine how my life could be different if I allowed the Lord to work on those little spiritual misalignments.

Sounds like I’ve got some praying to do, huh?

I think I’ll start working on that. Then maybe I’ll watch some more of the Olympics and try to “relax” (seriously, that word has lost all meaning to me now…).

"The Story"

Wow, has it really been almost a week since I posted? Sorry about that. Between not feeling well lately, getting ready to teach a seminar at a women’s conference and Shane being out of town (sorry creepy cyber-stalkers, he’s back), I haven’t had a ton of time.

Ok, so enough of you emailed me wanting know “the” story that I’ve decided to just post it. Well, most of it anyway. Part of it is kind of R-rated, so I’m going to try and talk around it. For what it’s worth, here’s the rest of it:

We went to the Tennessee Smokies baseball game the other day with the boys. The Smokies, for those of you who don’t know, is the minor league team for the Chicago Cubs, and on Fridays in the summer they have this awesome fireworks display after the game. It’s really amazing, and if you’re ever in East Tennessee in the summer, you should go.

So anyway, we’re at this game sitting out in the berm area (the grass beyond the outfield – way fun and way cheaper), when I spot this guy wearing what I assumed was a novelty shirt. It looked like a Cubs shirt, but when I saw the back the last name printed across the top was, shall we say, obviously vulgar. I mean REALLY vulgar. It was like one of those vanity license plates people have that spell things out phonetically, only this one definitely wasn’t street legal. It may have taken some people a minute or two to figure it out, but unfortunately I got it right away.

I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to wear that shirt to the game. I mean, this is a family place and there were kids everywhere! I was definitely offended, and could only imagine what other parents felt like when they saw him. It was very uncalled for.

So when I got back to where my husband was sitting, I told him about what the guy’s shirt said (spelling it out, of course, because I couldn’t bring myself to say it). He couldn’t believe it either. I asked if he thought I should say something to someone, but he wasn’t sure what to do.

So I sat there for several minutes, feeling like I needed to do something. I mean, it just wasn’t right – I have a right to protect my children in an environment like that, you know? Finally my righteousness kicked in and, deciding to be the purveyor of truth and justice, I called over a guy that worked for the Smokies.

“Sir”, I asked, “do you ever talk to anyone about wearing inappropriate shirts into the stadium?”
He told me that he usually didn’t. “But,” I explained to him, “that guy’s shirt is really vulgar. And I know my kids aren’t old enough to read it, but there are plenty of kids here that are. I just don’t think it is appropriate, and I don’t think he should be allowed to wear it at a place like this.”
I gathered that he really didn’t want to get involved, but now he was intrigued. I watched him walk over and looked at the guy’s shirt. Then he took a second look. Oh yeah, you read it right, Buddy. It says #$*!%&#*! I wasn’t even kidding…

Slowly the Smokies guy came back and got my attention.

“I’m sorry, did you mean that guy? That guy right there - in the hat?”

“Yup. Did you read it?” I said smugly.

“Yeah. Are you kidding me? Kosuke F______? He plays for the Cubs. He’s huge. He’s number one and everything.”

No way. I couldn’t believe it. This guy had to be putting me on. Shane and I couldn’t believe that someone could actually have that last name. We weren’t back home five minutes before we Googled it. And you know what? It’s true. That “vulgar” shirt was a legitimate Cubs jersey. The guy’s from Japan and everything. I tried to get a guy in trouble for wearing a baseball jersey - to a baseball game. Yeah, I’m an idiot.

So much for truth and justice.

Still, I can’t even bring myself to write his last name on my blog. It just makes me think bad things. If you really, really, really want to know what it is, you can follow this link. But don’t say I didn’t warn you – the four-word phrase I thought it represented was bad. Then again, maybe you’ll see his name and not have a clue as to what I thought it said. If that’s the case, God bless you consecrated one! You are truly a gem in this filthy world! (I, on the other hand….)

Time Keeps on Slippin', Slippin'....

Well, we did it! We survived the first day of Kindergarten. I totally cannot believe I have a kid in elementary school. I saw a napkin (of all things) the other day that totally sums up what I'm thinking: "When did we become adults and how to we make it stop?" Argh! I'm the mom of a kid in KINDERGARTEN! What the world?

But seriously, he did great. He doesn't get to go back until Monday ("staggered enrollment" a.k.a. an ingenious way to confuse five year olds and their mothers), but he's got homework every night until then. Yup, I said homework. Right on, brother - it's just going to go downhill from here in that department. Might as well get started early, right?

So anyway, I got my Mom's Plan-It calendar in the mail from Amazon today, so I guess I can officially take a stab at being organized. That should be interesting. One starting Kindergarten, one starting preschool, and I'm trying to start freelancing. I think I'll need more than just a calendar...

I gotta run for now, but I'm trying to figure out a way to post my latest most embarrassing moment without offending anyone. I still can't decide if that's even possible, so who knows if it will make it on here or not. If I don't post it in the next couple of days and you really want to know, ask me by email and I'll send you the laughs right in your inbox. Just don't say I didn't warn you.