I was watching Super Nanny tonight on ABC and had a revelation about my life as a mother. The family she was helping were the Prescotts (I’m assuming that’s how you spell it). The mother is my age – we graduated the same year from high school if the year on her cheerleading outfit they showed was an accurate indicator. Her husband is a couple of years older, so it’s a lot like me and Shane. The BIG difference, though, is that they had 7 – count it, seven – kids in eight years, starting when she was about 20. Nuts. I mean – good for them…I’d be certifiable at that point, but she’s really doing great.
So we already had the age thing in common, but then it showed her interacting with her family pre-Jo. You know what? She sounded just like me! Same exact tone of voice, same yelling, same frustrated tirades. It was like they were filming in my house (except it was much bigger, a lot nicer and a whole, whole lot cleaner)! I had to watch to see what kind of “duh” brand advice Jo would give her to solving her communication problems (Jo always gives advice that is so simple, yet profoundly life-changing). I wasn’t disappointed, but I was definitely surprised.
Kadi (the mom), it seemed, was putting herself under tremendous pressure to perform the task of being a mother perfectly. When she felt like she was failing (i.e. the kids were screaming, something wasn’t getting done on time, or it wasn’t the perfect little Disney land it felt like it should be), that’s when she would lose her temper. And Jo was quick to figure out that it had everything to do with her fear of being abandoned.
I won’t go into Kadi’s story, but let’s suffice to say I can’t relate to it at all. What I can relate to (I realized) is the insane drive in my heart to do everything perfectly so that my husband won’t give in to my biggest fears and abandon me. It sounds so silly when I write it out, and when I talked to him about it he said for the millionth time in 8 years that he’s really not going anywhere. I believe him, and yet I still panic over doing things “right”.
I realized tonight that it’s making me just as crazy as it was making her. She wasn’t yelling because she had seven kids – just like I’m not yelling because I can’t handle two. And I’m not snapping because I have an incurable “bad temper” (I’m not denying that part necessarily, I’m just not using it as an excuse here). No, our anger and frustration is really coming from our fear that we aren’t doing things well – that we’re failing and that there might one day be a big, fearful price to pay for that.
Ok, so sometimes I lose it because I really just can’t handle hearing the same button being pushed on the same toy 20 times in 30 seconds (it’s that repetition thing again…but I’m repeating myself so I won’t go into it…). And sometimes I really do get crabby and somewhat impossible after I’ve eaten something with a lot of sugar in it. So I’m not saying that every shout and every word forced through gritted teeth like seething, angry Play Doh (I know, not the best analogy, but it’s the picture in my head right now) has some deep psychological meaning behind it. But I really think that a lot of it does relate to this one single fear.
Wow – what a revelation. And I didn’t even have to lay on a couch or shell out major hard-earned cash! It’s no coincidence that this particular episode came on tonight and that we actually watched it for the first time in months. The Lord has presented me with this on-going theme lately of my fear of being abandoned, and I think this is all part of that lesson. I know where it all comes from (at least I’m pretty sure I do – I’ve spent a lot of time and money thinking about it), but I’m just now starting to put together what it all means. This really could be a defining season in my life!
Anyway, I know I’m being pretty vulnerable in admitting this in fairy naked fashion on the internet, but I figured that I might not be the only one (besides Kadi, of course) who struggles with this same anger-out-of-fear issue. If I am all alone in my delusions, don’t tell me…I’d rather believe that some part of me is “normal”.
But since we’re talking about abandonment issues (yet again), I thought I’d share a song with you we learned in Cincinnati last week. It’s by a great guy named Tim Timmons and it’s called “You’ll Never”. The thing is, I can’t find it on the internet and I don’t know how to post it on here otherwise. I’ll be working on that. But for now know that it reminds us of a precious truth – God will never, ever abandon us, forsake us or disown us. He cannot and will not break His word. I love that.
Praise You, Father for loving us so permanently that we could never do anything to mess it up!
So we already had the age thing in common, but then it showed her interacting with her family pre-Jo. You know what? She sounded just like me! Same exact tone of voice, same yelling, same frustrated tirades. It was like they were filming in my house (except it was much bigger, a lot nicer and a whole, whole lot cleaner)! I had to watch to see what kind of “duh” brand advice Jo would give her to solving her communication problems (Jo always gives advice that is so simple, yet profoundly life-changing). I wasn’t disappointed, but I was definitely surprised.
Kadi (the mom), it seemed, was putting herself under tremendous pressure to perform the task of being a mother perfectly. When she felt like she was failing (i.e. the kids were screaming, something wasn’t getting done on time, or it wasn’t the perfect little Disney land it felt like it should be), that’s when she would lose her temper. And Jo was quick to figure out that it had everything to do with her fear of being abandoned.
I won’t go into Kadi’s story, but let’s suffice to say I can’t relate to it at all. What I can relate to (I realized) is the insane drive in my heart to do everything perfectly so that my husband won’t give in to my biggest fears and abandon me. It sounds so silly when I write it out, and when I talked to him about it he said for the millionth time in 8 years that he’s really not going anywhere. I believe him, and yet I still panic over doing things “right”.
I realized tonight that it’s making me just as crazy as it was making her. She wasn’t yelling because she had seven kids – just like I’m not yelling because I can’t handle two. And I’m not snapping because I have an incurable “bad temper” (I’m not denying that part necessarily, I’m just not using it as an excuse here). No, our anger and frustration is really coming from our fear that we aren’t doing things well – that we’re failing and that there might one day be a big, fearful price to pay for that.
Ok, so sometimes I lose it because I really just can’t handle hearing the same button being pushed on the same toy 20 times in 30 seconds (it’s that repetition thing again…but I’m repeating myself so I won’t go into it…). And sometimes I really do get crabby and somewhat impossible after I’ve eaten something with a lot of sugar in it. So I’m not saying that every shout and every word forced through gritted teeth like seething, angry Play Doh (I know, not the best analogy, but it’s the picture in my head right now) has some deep psychological meaning behind it. But I really think that a lot of it does relate to this one single fear.
Wow – what a revelation. And I didn’t even have to lay on a couch or shell out major hard-earned cash! It’s no coincidence that this particular episode came on tonight and that we actually watched it for the first time in months. The Lord has presented me with this on-going theme lately of my fear of being abandoned, and I think this is all part of that lesson. I know where it all comes from (at least I’m pretty sure I do – I’ve spent a lot of time and money thinking about it), but I’m just now starting to put together what it all means. This really could be a defining season in my life!
Anyway, I know I’m being pretty vulnerable in admitting this in fairy naked fashion on the internet, but I figured that I might not be the only one (besides Kadi, of course) who struggles with this same anger-out-of-fear issue. If I am all alone in my delusions, don’t tell me…I’d rather believe that some part of me is “normal”.
But since we’re talking about abandonment issues (yet again), I thought I’d share a song with you we learned in Cincinnati last week. It’s by a great guy named Tim Timmons and it’s called “You’ll Never”. The thing is, I can’t find it on the internet and I don’t know how to post it on here otherwise. I’ll be working on that. But for now know that it reminds us of a precious truth – God will never, ever abandon us, forsake us or disown us. He cannot and will not break His word. I love that.
Praise You, Father for loving us so permanently that we could never do anything to mess it up!
1 comment:
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW! You have hit the nail on the head. Even though my girls are grown and gone...WOW--I can see myself here...or there I mean. That was it exactly. Today I still get that frustrated feeling...of not doing it all perfect...but what's perfect?
You did an outstanding job on this post! Glad I came by...have a new place to visit!!!
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